Subject: JQ: The Quests of Hazzard part two!

(Please read all of the stuff from the previous e-mail.  Thanks.)

The Quests of Hazzard (part 2/2)

by Dana Cain (anda)




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	"Hey, Hadj!  If we don't get this money in, ol' Boss Surd will have the
General!"
	"That would be an unfortunate occurrence."


	" I think it would be easier if we just kidnapped the Quests' cousin Jessie."


	"Why are you holdin' a gun up to me, varmit?"


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(Theme again.  You can skip through it)

. . .  . . .	Just the good ol' boys . . . 

	(Picture of Hadji {driving} and Jonny {riding} in a big blue Dodge Charger
with Orange trim)

 . . .ain't meanin' no harm . . 
	(Jonny tries to take the wheel of car)

 . . .  .beats all you've ever saw -  been in trouble with the law since
the day they was born . . .
	(Jonny is making the car go off the road,  a cop starts to chase)
	
 . . . Straightening the curves. . 
	 (Cuts to scene of guys getting out of the car to greet Jessie in Daisy
Duke attire)

. . . flatting the hills . . .
	(Cuts to picture of  Jonny driving and swerving the car all over the dirt
road)
 
. . .sometime the mountain might get em but the law never will . . .
	(Hadji shaking his head in fright as Jonny tries to jump over an extremely
big hill)

 . . . .making their way the only way they know how . . .
(Cut to scene with Race working on a car, all dirty)

 . . . that's just a little bit more than the law will allow . . .
	(Cut to picture of Jessie driving away from cops in her jeep)

 . . . just the good ol' boys  . . .
	(Cuts to picture of Dr. Quest feeding some chickens)

 . . .wouldn't change if they could . . 
	(Shows Boss Surd and Ezekeial P. Coltrane laughing at Boss Surd's office)
 
 . . .fightin' the system like two modern day Robin Hoods . . .
	(Jonny and Hadji jump a dirt mound and Jonny yells "Yee-hahhh!")



	Episode 987:  Even Bosses Get What They Deserve Even More

	"Get in the car, Chiquita."
	"I ain't no banana, officer Lorezno!"
	"Just get in!"
	"I reckon you won't get away with this!"

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	(cornball music plays in the background)

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	"Howdy, Race!  Look, my Cousin Jessie's comin' to get her brakes fixed, so
you be rear nice to her, yhear?"
	"Whut?  I cain't hear yew!  I'm tryin' to rang up this here purchase!"
	"Race, I know yew can hear me, galoot."
	"Oh, all right.  I'll be nice ta her."
	"Gud.  She should be there any minute!"
	"Is ther any chaince that she'd be wearin' jeans?"
	"Nope.  She's got her shorts on."
	"I'll be a four-eyed cow at a hoss show!  Why didn't you tell her I don't
like at?"
	"Look here, mister.  Cousin Jessie's one of those liberated ladies at
speks her mind.  Don't yew worry about it none.  She'll be all right, I
reckon."

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	"Well, I'm going.  *grumble*"
	"I'll see ya around!"

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	"I don't understand why yew want me 'round here, Boss Surd.  I didn't do
nuttin!"
	"Nothing?  You have done nothing?  I'll have you to know that your whole
family has been a bullet in my neck for years!  I've hidden a vast amount
of money in the General, and if you don't tell your country bumpkin
relatives to get that moronic car over here, you will suffer a hideous death!"
	"I don't understand a word of whut you just said.   'Cept for country.  I
like country music."

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	"Your small iota of a brain would not comprehend the extensive vocabulary
that inhibits my brain cells.   Ezekeial!"
	"Yes, how may I help you?"
	"Please tell our young guest what she will receive if she does not comply
to our humble demands."
	"The simultaneous blast from them iron barrels will shoot into your flesh
and destroy it, all right.  So sayeth the book of Rage!"
	"What's he talkin about?"
	Lorenzo holds a gun up to her head.
	"You're gonna be shot, sweetheart!  By me and Zeke!  Unless yew get on at
CB and call yer cousins."
	

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	(Suspenseful cornball music plays)
	
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	"Bo peep callin' her lost sheep!  Come in, Lost Sheep!"
	The message comes over the CB in the kitchen.  Hadj grabs the CB and
speaks loudly.
	"This is one of your lost sheep!"
	"Howdy, cousin!  I need you and the other sheep to head over to the
Warthog's Den!  Ol' Cindy Lou's wantin' to see you both!  And if you'll
believe that, Jon, I fed the chickens today!  Ha ha!"
	"Cousin Jessie didn't feed the chickens today!"  Jon blurted.
	"So y'all come on over!  I'm needin' ya!"
	"What about your trip to Race's garage?"
	"Just come on over!  Over and out!"
	"Um, I do not remember what they say here, but I believe it is 8-4!"
	
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	"Somethin' ain't right, cousin Hadj!  Cousin Jessie wouldn't just say that
fer nothing!"
	"Say what, my cousin?"
	"That she fed the chickens.  Yew know us Quests don't lie!"
	"We certainly do not!"
	Benton holds his Mason jar of tea firmly in his hands.
	"Why do you think she's at the Warthog's Den, Jon?"
	"I don't know, Uncle Benton.  Something ain't right, though.  Hand me that
CB."
	"Here you are, Jonny."
	"Lost sheep callin' the Red Man!  Do yew read me, Red Man?"
	"Yeah, I hear yew.  I just got off of the phone with ya.  Whatdaya want?"
	"Something's wrong with Cousin Jessie.  Can yew meet us at the Warthog's
Den?"
	"Somethin's wrong wit Jessie?  I'll be a prairie dog without a hole!  What
iz it?  Tell me!"
	"We don' t know, Red Man!  Just get there, ok?"
	"Yew better believe I'll be there!  Red Man, over an out!"
	"10-4, gud buddy!"
	"So that is the saying!"
	"Come on, Hadj!  It's time to whomp up on some people!"
	
<< At's the spirit!>>
	
	"Shall we head to our Dodge Charger?"
	"Let's go to the General!"
	"You boys be careful!  Get your bow and arrows!  If anything bad has
happened to Jessie, call me on the CB and I'll bring my rifle!"
	"Yew got it, Uncle Benton!  Yeeeee-haaaaah!"
	They fetch their bows and arrows, and head to the car.
"Jonny, I really am trying to remember why we welded the doors shut on our
car when they opened perfectly."
	"Don't be sweatin' it, Hadj!  I'm driving!"
	"Much to my terror."
	"Hadj!"
	"I mean, I hope Jessie becomes a jeans wearer!"
	"Let's go!"

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	"This does not look good."
	"Naw, it shore don't, cousin.  We'd better be headin' to that Warthog's Den."
	"That would be a wise thing to do, my friend.  I am capable of driving
fast, you know."
	"I thank I can handle it, coz."
	"Since I am the eldest, I think it would only be fair if you would let me
drive to the warthog's den."
	"Yew really thank you kin do it?"
	"I believe I am more than capable, Jonny."
	"Well, let's see ya do it, then."
	"All right!"
	
They hop in the car.

	*SCREEEEEEECCCHHHHHHH*
	

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	"You are drivin' like a dern mad man, Hadji!"
	"Oh, pardon me."
	The car goes even faster.
	"Hadj!  Yer gonna be the death of us!"
	"That would not be pleasant, would it, my friend?  A man struggling for
sanctity and freedom usually finds it in unwanted places!"
	"What does at mean?"
	"We should approach the Warthog's Den very soon!  Let us just hope that
our cousin is secure!"
	"Yew hear supthin', Hadj?"
	Hadj checks his rearview mirror.
	"I see the police!  Oh, this is not good!  I'm ready to take some
shortcuts.  Are you ready, Jonny?"
	"WHAT?"
	"We need to dodge the police, right?"
	"Yeah, I reckon."
	"Then we shall take some short cuts!  Heroism is a gift that only comes
through the heart of an open soul!"
	
(Cornball chase music plays)

	*SWEEEERRRVVVVE*	
	"Ahh!  Watch it, Hadj!  He's still on yer back!"
	"Then we shall have to sling some dust, my friend!"
	*REVVVV*  
	"Yew got 'im Hadj!  Let's go!"
	"Oh, dear.  It looks like he is still after us.  I am dumbfounded!"
	"Let's take this here road, Hadji!"
"No, my friend, I have an idea!  Hold on, my cousin!"
	"Whut?  Oh, no  . . . Hadj, you cain't jump at hill . ."
	
	*WOOOSH*
	
	(The car honks "Dixie")

	"I do believe that the people in this area like to say - "

	*THUD*

	 "-  YEEE-HAAAHH!"

	"Are yew feelin' sick, Hadj?"


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	"No.  I am perfectly fine.  And you?"
	"I'm slammin', I reckon!"
	"We need to hurry before other cops start to chase us!"
	"Then let's get outta here!"

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	"Boss Surd, I done did whut yew asked me too!  Ain't you gonna let me go?"
	"No, my pretty Southern belle.  Don't you see?  You are bait!"
	"Bait?  Yew gonna put me on a hook?"
	"No!  Ezekeial, has officer Lorenzo chased the boys to the Warthog's Den?"
	"That blackness of the motor oil shall cleanse the putrid, so sayeth that
garl darn Book of Rage!"
	"Whut's that supposed ta mean?"
	"My dear, I have no idea."
	*CRASH*

	"What's that noise?"
	"AHHH!"
	"Who knocketh down the door?"

	"It's me, Boss Surd.  Yer wurst nightmare."
	"Race Bannon?!  You pathetic excuse for a human being?!"
	"At's right.  Yew hand over Miss Jessie and nobody gets hurt."
	"Ah but you see, Mr. Bannon, somebody is going to get hurt.  You."
	"Me?  Well, I never thought of it before, but I gess I can git hurt!"
	"Ezekeial, will you please shoot Mr. Bannon?"
	"No!  Don't hurt im, Zeke!"
	
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	"I kin take care of myself, Jessie!"
	Boss Surd looks at him.
"If you are not scared, then perhaps we can dispose of Miss Jessie!"
	"Over my dead body, yew dumb idjots!"
	The gun flies out of Ezekial's hand and Race pins him to the ground.
	"Don't yew ever mess with my Ponchit - er, I mean, my friend!"
	Boss Surd turns to Race in his wheel chair. 
	"You won't get away with this, Race!"
	
"Oh, yeah?  We'll see about at, Boss!"

<< Well, look who showed up!  Jon and Hadj!>>

	"Why, here comes the dern calvary, I reckon!"
	Hadj walks up to Jessie.
	"Are you all right, my friend?"
	"I'm fine!   Just git me outta this here chair!"
	Hadj unties Jessie.
	"Look out!"
	Race grabs Hadj's bow.  

<< Just in time!  Ezekeial P. Coltrane was trying to get that ol' gun
again.  That son of a gun ain't fit fer nothin!  But ol' Race got im with a
arrow in the hand.>>

	"AHHHHHHH!!"
	Jon grabs the gun.  
	"I'll be takin' that, sir."
	"Oh, no you won't, varmit!  So sayeth ME!"
	*PUNCH*
	"YEOOWWW!"
	"Jonny!"
	*JAB*
	"Oh, this does not feel good."
	*THUD*
	"Hay, I wanna be in on the action!"
	Race hears the sound of rolling.
	"Don't even try, Boss Surd!  Yer gonna make me laugh!  Haw haw haw!  Yew
ain't no where near as hossly as me!"
	
	The door opens.  Lorenzo steps in.
	
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	"Step away from them gentlemen, rednecks.  I have a gun, and I shore do
know how to use it!"
	Jessie looks up at him sweetly.
	"Officer Lorenzo, 'scuse me, but ain't you after the money?"
	"Yeah, I reckon." 
	"Well, I could show you where it's at and then we could all leave - "
	*JAB!*
	*KICK*
	*PUNCH!*
	"Ohhhh . . ."
	" - and go back to our farm!"

<< I reckon Miss Jessie just took out the meanest hombre this side of the
Mississippi!>>
	
	"Slammin', Cousin Jessie!  Yew beat im up!"
	"Are you hurt, Jess?"
	"I'm fine, Race!  Now, let's hold these here guns up to them and show em
that we mean business!"
	"You got it, Miss hoss!"
	
<< Well, after suckering ol' Boss Surd, the Quests found out that the money
really belonged to the hard workin' citizens of Hazzard.  Turns out Boss
was gonna buy him some new kinda nerve gas . . The Quests made Boss give
the money back, and the reward (which was offered by Boss in the first
place) was given to the Quests.   Ol' Boss was lucky that the Quest boys
are the forgivin' kind, I guarantee!  >>

(Shows Lorenzo writing a check for Boss.  Ezekeial is holding a book and
ranting in the background.)

<< Now, as much as ol' Uncle Benton wanted a new feeder, and as much as
them Quests thought about re-modeling their farm, they just couldn't resist
giving that money to the Hazzard County orphanage! >>

(Shows everybody on the front porch of the farm, laughing)

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(Cornball ending music here)



The end

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